Something happened to that girl the day he said those words. She found herself feeling stupid for believing him, then hating herself for still wanting him even after he had hurt her. Why am I wasting my heart on him? She would think. I'm such an idiot, who would ever love me...
Since that day, I've spent the better part of my life loathing my heart. I've hated who I am because I never seem to stop with this same pattern: see a guy, fall for the guy. Over and over again, I thought that this time would be different, this guy would be the one who could take all the hurt away and make me whole again. I'll give my heart to him, everything I am I'll hand over because in the end, and I know it this time, he'll take care of me.
And then I'm wrong.
And then I cry and cry and cry, hating myself more than I did before.
This school year has been a hard one for me, so much so that I shut down my feelings. I saw things piling up in my attic again, but this time I lost the will to fight. I talked about this a little bit in my last post, the idea of not processing my feelings anymore. I didn't really know what happened, but I stopped processing those feelings again, in a worse way than before.
I didn't know how to explain it, but here it is: I wasn't just ignoring my feelings, I hated them.
When that boy took back his "I love you", I did everything in my power to get it back. Not from him, but from any guy. I would turn around and see a boy, a cute one of course, and would latch onto him, hoping that he would be the one to eventually love me and fix my life. When (I say when because it always happened) he didn't even notice me, or did but just didn't like me, I would fall apart. Why? Why won't he like me? What's wrong with me? Am I so terrible that he couldn't even try me out?
Then I would turn around, scan the room for the next guy, and start all over again. I'll get it right this time.
I let bitterness grow in my being to the point where I absolutely hated my heart. Why wouldn't I? Most of my misery comes from boys and the feelings I had for them that were rejected. I mean, what was wrong with me? Who made boys the centre of their universe to the point where their thoughts, emotions, and actions are all controlled by the guy the happens to be looking at her in the moment?
I didn't just hate my heart, as if that wasn't enough, I was disgusted by it. Why are you so pathetic?
Well Satan, you attacked me. You attacked my heart, you attacked my thoughts, you attacked my driven spirit, you attacked my beliefs in the victory that God has for me.
But not anymore. You lose Satan, under God's foot you have lost.
I'm done with you twisting my thoughts into ones that aren't true. "My heart is disgusting" lie. Lie lie lie. My heart is beautiful. It's been crafted by the hands that created the mountains, the one who put the clouds in the sky, who pieced together the flowers growing in my yard, who created the complexity of the human body itself. The One who loves beyond human understanding, who creates beauty out of brokeness, who brings forth victory through death.
Yahweh. He made my heart. For all that it holds, God is the one who made my heart beautiful.
Here it is: I've made bad choices. I'm not proud of them, not by a long shot. I made an idol out of men, I've looked to them to be my Saviour and put me back together again. I thought my life would be perfect if only a guy would say he loved me, that he thought I was beautiful. My choice, my bad.
But you know what Satan? That doesn't make me pathetic. That one moment, where someone said a false "I love you", and everything I've done since then, it doesn't define me. It doesn't make me disgusting. It makes me human. God created me to be completely dependent on Him and His grace. Nothing more and nothing less. It makes me redeemable. When Jesus died on the cross, He knew He was taking all of this down with Him. But man, when He rose up three days later, He knew He was taking me up too.
I've been redeemed. There's nothing in me that's disgusting because it all belongs to God. I refuse to hate my heart. I refuse to hate myself. I refuse to ever for one second stop fighting for the light God is calling me to. I am free from this idolatry. I am free because God made me free.
What's my conclusion in all of this? The devil is a liar. He told me that my heart is so vile that it's not worth saving. Ignore it and shut it down Lisette, don't even touch it. I believed him, but I don't anymore.
You lose, Satan. I chose God, every time I'll choose Him and the truth He's declared over my life.
