Hi friends!
It's been a long
time since I've written here. I've missed it a lot, but I really couldn't bring
myself to commit to doing it again. The truth is, I've been having a really
difficult time lately. For the last 5 years, I've been through a lot of
emotional roller coasters. Funny enough, it was five years ago when I decided
to start this blog. I guess things just built up, and I didn't have the energy
anymore to do something I really loved. Not that I have to explain everything,
but I guess I just want others to feel welcome here if they're going through a
hard time too.
A lot has happened
in the last few years, and would take whole books to write about instead of a
blog post. I think the best summary I can give is this: I've had to give up
just about all of my dreams. I had always considered myself to be a dreamer. I
used to want to be a photographer when I was a kid because I wanted to travel
the world. After I became a Christian at 15, I dreamed of being opening up a
school for kids like me who weren't comfortable with school but still wanted to
reach their potential somehow. I also wanted to start a ministry with
conferences for teenagers in order for them to have a genuine encounter with
God. I wanted to be a worship pastor, a teacher, a mentor, a counsellor but
more than anything, I wanted to inspire people around the world to know who God
is and live their life for Him. I wanted so much, and I never thought that
anything could stop me.
At 18, I went off to
Texas for a 12-month internship where my ambition only grew. I was excited to
come home and start building my dreams. I was hopeful, and was ready to conquer
the world. Look out everyone, here comes Lisette.
Before the plane
even took off from Dallas, I was confronted with obstacles. Again, if I were to
explain everything we would be here forever, but it was the first time that it
looked like things wouldn't go my way. At first, I was crushed, but quickly became
optimistic. "It's okay Lisette," I would say to myself in my pep
talks. "Keep relying on God and everything will be okay!" Even though
the steps I wanted to take toward my dreams were becoming unstable, I just told
myself that I could put my plans on hold. Later, when things settled down, I
could pick it back up again. For now, just go at it from another angle and we
can still make progress toward my goals.
But as more
challenges kept coming, the pile got bigger of plans that I had to put on hold.
Here's the thing, when you're holding that many things at once, you get weaker
and weaker from the weight. I kept holding on, convincing myself that my plans
didn't have to change, I just had to work harder to make them happen. Even as
doors kept closing, calls weren't returned, and the years passed without any
movement, I still kept holding on.
My heart was
breaking, the tears wouldn't stop, and I thought I was the problem. I kept
trying to talk to God about what was going on, looking for answers and some
sort of comfort. "What is going on? Why is nothing working? What do I have
to do?" God heard me. He answered, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So
I stopped listening without realizing. I still prayed, I still studied the
Bible to understand, but I was only looking for the answers I liked. Not only
was I closing off from the people around me, but I was closing off from God
too. Why weren't my dreams happening? What was I doing wrong?
Even as I write
this, I realize I've written other times about this same thing. I keep
processing and re-processing this same period of my life to try to understand
what went wrong. It's hard, because who I am right now when I'm about to turn
25 is not the same girl at 15 who said yes to following God. I was full of
passion and ambition then, and now I feel like I'm pessimistic and cynical.
So why am I here?
Why am I writing? What's new this time around and why would I post about it?
Well, I'm back in the United States for another (but much shorter) internship,
and things got really bad again. There were more dreams that I had to "put
on hold" and more challenges coming from every side. It's been a huge
struggle most days to pretend to be a normal-functioning person, then sneaking
moments here and there to break down and just be sad. These moments aren't
always convenient, sometimes I'm at work, sometimes it's in the car during our
commute, sometimes it's during worship at church, sometimes it's in my room
when I know everyone has stopped listening. I always have to run away and
always try to hide it from my coworkers and housemates. It's my habit, keep the
sadness to myself and pretend to be okay for everyone else.
Putting on a brave
face for other people is hard enough, but I was hiding from God too. I've felt
God knocking on the door to my heart for a long time now, but I couldn't bring
myself to talk to Him. I used to talk to God for hours and pour out everything
in my heart to Him, the good and the bad. He really was my best friend. But
after all the heartbreak and disappointment, I didn't want to admit to Him how
sad I was, and what a failure I felt like. I just wanted to hide under my
blankets and figure it out on my own.
I finally had a
breakdown that lasted longer than usual. This time was different because at the
end of it, I looked up and started praying like I hadn't in a long time. I
admitted the resentment and hurt that I was holding onto. I admitted that I
felt like a failure, I admitted the bad decisions that I had made, I admitted
the heartbreak. By the end of it I felt pathetic and weak, but God embraced me
like He always does and let me be broken. I complained. He listened. I cried.
He replied with His answers, and this time I listened. I wish I could explain
how this all works, but this is where the written word fails me. It something I
could only really talk about over pizza and an open Bible. Me talking to God,
it's more than just processing, it's having my heart be answered by the one who
created it.
Does that make
sense? I swear I try to avoid using flowery language that doesn't really say
anything in the end. I just know that all humans were created to know God in a
personal relationship and to worship Him. That breakdown I had, it was just
that: me being with my best friend, and then praising Him because of how
wonderful He is.
I feel like these
posts are always so much longer than I mean them to be, but I'll end it off by
saying that I don't want to be closed off anymore because of dreams that I've
held onto. I'm letting go of my dreams, trusting God with His plan, but ultimately
following Him in whatever He wants to do. It's scary. So I get to do this
afraid!
