My Life as of Late

This is me wanting to write again.

Maybe you noticed, but more probably you didn't, I haven't been writing in a very long time. There's a reason for that, the same for why when I have to catch up with people, the hardest part is when they ask me, "How have you been?"

I want to tell them that I've been great. I want to say that I've been living out my dreams, making the best of friends, going on wild adventures, or even that life has been simple but lovely. I want to say that it's been good since the last time I've seen them.

Unfortunately, I always sigh and say, "Life has been really hard."

That's basically what happens every time I've thought about sitting down to write. What am I supposed to say? Life has been hard. It's an uphill battle. One that I've been losing. Pick your metaphor, but the gist of it is that I fell back into depression.

Yes, depression. The stupid demon that tormented me as a child, seducing me into the idea of suicide, convincing me that I wasn't loved by anyone, not even by my own parents. That same depression came back and I surrendered all too willingly.

These last few years have been the longest, hardest ones I've had to endure. My dreams have been crushed, my heart broken, and I've had my self-worth challenged. Again and again and again. It's no wonder that I stopped writing. How could I express what was going on inside of me when I didn't even want to face myself?

 I'm not sure how to summarize the last year since I last wrote for this blog (okay, maybe a bit more than that).It's like all the commercials say, it was as is I was walking through a fog. I didn't want to live anymore. I wasn't motivated to get out of bed. I wanted to cry when I realized that I had to face my life again. Everything in my life felt too hard: school, work, church, youth group, family...all I wanted to do was run away. I thought that if I could leave everything and everyone that I knew, I would be finally be happy.

But I didn't run away, I just kept going. I did get out of bed, I did go to work, school, youth group and church. I did spend time with my family and I did face my days. All the while, there was an elephant sitting on my chest, getting heavier and heavier. But I kept going.

It was only a few weeks before I talked to my mom about it. I updated her and the rest of my family saying that yes, the depression was back but there wasn't an urgent need to worry, I wasn't having any suicidal thoughts. I let them know that I decided to see a counsellor at my school and that I would be talking to the dean about my school work. Things got a little better after that, counselling helped a lot, my school was very accommodating and helped me in anyway they could, and I kept my shifts at work to 2 a week. I can't say I felt happy for a while, but I was finally managing and didn't feel so overwhelmed anymore.

I think that somewhere in my second semester, something in my heart clicked and a bit of warmth started to come back. I found myself not dreading social situations like I had before. I could get excited about little things again. I was making new friends, and I suddenly cared about what I was learning in my courses instead of just trying to pass them. There was a point where the fog cleared and I started to enjoy my life. Even now that I write this I just want to dance and sing! Even though I didn't realize it at the time, and even though it didn't really feel like it either, my depression was being conquered.

Can I honestly say I'm not depressed anymore? I'm not sure. I didn't even think that anything had changed until I started writing this post. Looking back now, I can definitely say that I'm getting out of it. I just can't say for sure whether the battle is over or not. I still have a lot of days that I want to cry for no reason. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed, or even see my friends that I love so dearly. I just don't know.

Here's what I do know, or at least what I think I know. I believe that my depression has been reactionary, it's a type of depression that is triggered by a major stressful event. It's what my counsellor told me was her theory, and I think she was right. Although she thought it was in reaction to failing one of my classes, I'm coming to a very different conclusion.

When I was 16, I went on my first missions trip to Dallas, Texas and it was a trip that changed my life. I was surrounded by Christians that believed that God can do absolutely anything. I didn't understand it. They prayed for miracles and they happened. Someone needed another 600 dollars to actually go on the trip with us and they got it within a few hours. It was a faith that I had never seen before and didn't even know was possible, but there they were, praying down the impossible from God himself.

Ever since then, I started seeing the world in a new way. It was like something awakened within me and I could do anything. Seriously. My dreams expanded and exploded so much bigger than I think anyone anticipated. No mission trip seemed impossible anymore because God would provide. I could go to the year-long internship in another country that cost almost as much as what my parents made in a year, because God would give me the money. Nothing was impossible, I could do it.

Going to that internship only fueled this idea even more. The Lord did provide for me that year, in a way I still don't understand. A lot of impossible things did happen for me that year, and my heart changed so much. Desires changed from easy and fun adventures to hard, labourious projects. I didn't just want to go places anymore, I wanted to fight for change in my own church and in the Christians around me. It was going to be difficult, but the Lord was on my side and I could do it.

When I went home, I felt like a cannon ball just waiting to be let loose. Basically, I was the kid yelling "Put me in the game coach! I got this!" but God had other plans.

I don't want to go into details, but life became very difficult after that point. There were a lot of times that I would finally start to go for something and the Lord would shut it down, it was a hard no from him. Then I'd go for something else and God gave me another no. Again and again, I found myself dreaming and watching that dream die. I didn't understand what was happening. I felt like I was circling in the same place over and over.

Meanwhile, all my friends from the internship were moving forward in their lives. People were getting in relationships, married, having families, getting fantastic jobs, serving in ministry, or going to exciting places. They were all things I wanted but couldn't have, because God kept saying no. I was really discouraged. Why not me Lord? You know how much passion I have for this, why not let me have it? Finally, it came to the point I just stopped dreaming altogether. No more trying, no more planning, what was the point? God was probably going to say no anyway. I distanced myself from God, finding it hard to be with someone who kept saying no all the time.

I never took a minute to stop and reflect on what was happening. I just knew what I was feeling and kept going from there. Never once did I try to get out of my head and go beyond my own emotions. Even while I write this I realize I made it all about me. Not once did I ask God what He was up to and how could I get involved. Nope. I just said "this is what I want and I'm waiting for you to make it happen".  By trying to dream beyond my perceived realm of possibilities, I was actually limiting God to only do what I wanted.

I can't do this anymore.

One day I talked to God, I mean really talked to Him and it suddenly hit me what I had been doing this entire time. I was trying to make my dreams happen with or without God. That's when I heard Him, loud and clear, "It's an empty life trying to be a branch without being attached to the vine." I got so wrapped up in my head and what I wanted that I completely stopped looking towards the Lord. I love God, I really do but I get in this habit of trying to do everything myself and I quickly forget about Him.

I don't want that life anymore. I don't want it because I wasn't created to live that way. God designed humans in such a way that we're supposed to be completely dependant on Him. When we try to do anything without God, everything gets out of balance and it just doesn't work. We end up making gods out of other things in our lives by depending on them to get us through the day. Or we depend on ourselves and our success and/or ability to make it. In the end, we're not perfect and we can't sustain ourselves. We burn out, we fail, and we just don't make the cut of living on our own.

To conclude, my life lately has been messy, complicated, confusing but all the while full of the glory of God. How? Because in all the lies I believed, in all the awful situations I had to endure, God was still with me. He was with me that whole time and was always pointing me back towards Him. I just had to stop long enough to look up and see Him staring right back at me.

"I never left you," He says. "I've always been here with you, with a plan and purpose for you that would bewilder you. I'm on your side Lisette, and I'm always here fighting for you."

And He wins that fight

Everytime.