Simply put, I walked away from God. I remember that at first, I was still trying to keep up my relationship with Him; I would read my Proverb of the day, I tried listening to sermons, I would set aside time to pray for people in my life, I even listened to some of my classes from the internship. God saw my desire to remain close to Him, so He started taking things out of my life that was creating distance between us. I didn't understand that though, I thought those were things that I was entitled to and just saw them disappear before my eyes without any good explanation. Instead of drawing closer to God, I went and chased after those things, harder and harder to the point of exhaustion. I was feeling this hurt from losing everything that I held closest to me, but kept denying it, pretending that I was "fine, just fine" and that I was still hard after God, also denying the resentment I was building towards Him.
Then slowly, ever so slowly, I started turning away from God. The hurt had grown to be too much; I couldn't ignore it anymore. Then there was a point where I realized the last thing (I thought) that I had been holding onto had been taken from me as well, and it was after that that I stopped talking to God completely.
It's hard to describe the time afterwards. I think the best I can give you is the lobster in boiling water. There's an analogy about how a toad will jump right out if you just drop it into hot water, but if the water is cold when you first put the toad in and slowly turn up the heat, the toad won't jump out, it'll stay in the water and eventually die. Why did I say the lobster? Because lobsters scream when they're placed in hot water, and I think my life at that point was a cross between these two situations: I had been lulled into deep sadness and all the while, was letting out a piercing scream. I was mourning for those things I had lost and felt as though my heart had been ripped out of me. I couldn't find comfort in anything.
Then that hard conversation came, in which Jesus asked me, "Where have you been?"
I resisted at first, as I always do, but I finally gave in an told Him everything. Of course He knew it already, but for me to actually include Him in what was going on really made a difference. At the end of our conversation, I decided that I wanted change. I was tired of trying to live my life without the Lord when in all reality He was the one that I wanted more than anything.
Even in the time after that, things definitely got worse before they got better, but they did get better. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it wasn't until I really hit rock bottom that I found myself desperate for Jesus. Then, it was as if something had shifted within me. I felt lighter, my eyes looked up a few degrees higher and my smile wasn't just plastered to my face, it was growing from something that I was genuinely feeling. And there it was, I realized it, a heart being made new.
I once asked someone what it meant to be refined, and they shared with me a vision that they had on the word. She said that she had seen fire all around her, and that there was a Voice telling her to walk. As she walked, the flames licked at her skin and burned her, causing excruciating pain. It was too much, she wanted to give up. Suddenly, a face appeared at the end of the fire and she realized it was the face of Jesus. The Voice told her to walk, to focus on that face and keep walking.
Is it a hard process? Yes. Being broken of everything that interferes with your relationship with the Lord will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. However, it comes with a promise. I envisioned that same scene for myself, felt the pain of the flames and wanted to run away from it all. Then I saw myself making it to the end of that fire and jumping into the arms of Jesus. His hands ran over my burns and restored me in a way that nothing else ever could. I laughed with Him, cried with Him and rested on His shoulder, knowing that it had been worth it.
The promise is this: no matter what, God will be there. He'll waiting to restore what was lost and ready to replace it with His own love and His own heart.
It's only after going through God's refining fire that you'll learn what it means to have JOY.
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