Taking Back My Identity

I'm a pretty girl.

Yeah, I said it.

I have nice hair, big, dark eyes, nicely shaped eyebrows, full lips, freckles, a great smile, cute dimples, and a body shape that isn't fat or skinny, just a normal size. To top it all off, I don't wear make-up because I don't need it. I am pretty.

I'm not sure when I first realized I was pretty, it might have been when complete strangers starting saying it to me, or it might have been all the adults who have gone through my church that said it to me and my parents. It's strange, as a child I was bullied the most about the way that I looked, was called ugly on more than one occasion and used to believe it about myself, but now I can look in the mirror and honestly say that I'm pretty.

Process of freedom? Not quite. I learned how to be pretty by wearing different clothes, getting a new haircut and blow-drying instead of letting my hair air-dry. Basically, I made myself pretty, and that's the worse kind of pretty there is. You see, when you make yourself pretty, you start to believe you have to because you aren't pretty. In the last few years, the new trend is being beautiful  "on the inside" and you'll somehow become beautiful on the outside too. How do you think I took this message? By me having to make myself pretty, I felt as if there was nothing beautiful within me to radiate, to draw out and make apparent to others. I saw myself as ugly on the inside, but I could at least cover up the outside so that no one would ever notice.

The message of "beauty on the inside = beauty on the outside" is such a great one, but what about the girls that feel the same way I do? I, like so many other women, have made many mistakes and bad choices with men and bear the shame of it. Every time I meet someone new, I'm afraid of letting them see my past and the effect that it's had on my life to this very day.

I feel stupid

I feel weak

I feel pathetic

But most of all,

I feel ugly.

Stupid. When I think of my decisions that were ruled by my insecurities. Weak. When I think of the power I've given my emotions over my life. Pathetic. When I think of the fact that I'm still working through the shards of a heart that was broken nearly 7 years ago. Ugly. When I think of my heart and the filth that I dragged it through.

Satan has whispered this into my heart for most of my life, and it's something I believed all too quickly. I remember when I was little, probably in Grade 2, my family was on vacation at the beach and we were staying in a motel at the time. There was this one moment when I was sitting on the ground with my parents while my sisters were on the other side of the room. I'm not sure what we were talking about, but it was in that moment where I began sobbing and screaming "I'm ugly!".  There was another time in Grade 8 when I liked a boy in my class and I had one of my friends tell him. My friend came back to tell me that the boy was angry and said "That's disgusting".

Every time that someone has ever told me I was pretty, or that I was beautiful, those are the two moments that burst into my memory. "I'M UGLY" "THAT'S DISGUSTING" "I'M UGLY" "THAT'S DISGUSTING" "I'M UGLY" "THAT'S DISGUSTING"

I'm not blind, I know that I look pretty, but everything within me says that my exterior is as thin as an eggshell. If I let anyone see past that, if I let them see the real broken person that I am, then they'll all know that I really am just an ugly girl.

So what do I do?

Here's what I know:

God says I'm beautiful.

I think that's the best thing about God: He's always right. No matter if I'm convinced of something else, what He says is the truth. I could argue with Him for hours on end (which, I admit, I've done more than once) and make an argument that could convince the most stubborn of people, but I'll still be wrong. God wins, every time.

This post is a little different in that I'm not writing down a conclusion, but rather, a resolution. I resolve to be free of this lie that says I'm ugly. However, this isn't something that'll be over in just a long conversation with the Lord, this will be an ongoing battle, night and day, for me to uproot the lie and internalize the truth. This will be a journey, a long, hard, labourious journey, but I'm finally ready to embark on it.

The Lord has already given me my victory over this lie, now I'm moving forward so I can claim this victory.

The next few posts will be updates on this journey: what I learn and unlearn, the lies I discover and the truths that are revealed, and the few steps of freedom that I find myself walking into. Then finally, my declaration of ultimate  freedom.

The sun will rise and the Lord will bless me.

My name is Israel.